We hear a lot about depression in the media. If you've never suffered from it (20% do in our country*), you may wonder what the big deal is. Happiness is a choice, right? Why not just choose happiness??
I
recently asked about depression on facebook, and a courageous friend
of mine spoke up about her own experience with depression, with a
lack of support from a church family, and with do-able suggestions on how
we can be a better support to those whose burdens are too
heavy for them to bear.
Her story touched me. Whether you have suffered from depression, misunderstood it, or just want to know how to help, I think her words will light the way. Here is what she says:
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Speaking
from personal experience, if you see someone who is battling mental
illness & depression and they "seem to be bright/happy",
care enough to reach out below the surface.
There
are times that I give in to the shame and guilt of not having a
"good" outlook to make my journey easier for those around
me (the ones praying & believing for healing), that I put on a
mask and give an Oscar-winning show, all the while, just barely under
the surface, I am crying, my heart is breaking, bleeding and slowly
dying.
Again
just speaking from my own personal experience, I stopped going to
church as I would leave every time so beaten down it took weeks for
the resulting spiral to slow down. Each time left me farther from
God, frustrated, alone, afraid to talk to anyone or let anyone get
near me. The pain was so severe. My relationship with God has been
better on my own with him. It grieves my spirit that we the church
(myself included) can't get this right and love like Jesus did,
accept like Jesus did.
We
don't need someone to be judging us - we already judge ourselves far
worse than you could judge us. We need to be accepted & loved
just the way we are - THAT is something we can't or won't do for
ourselves. If you haven't gone through this personally, you don't know
the depths of darkness, self hate, insecurity, helplessness,
hopelessness, pain, loneliness - we aren't going to reach out for fear
of being judged & hurt.
You
don't need to worry about having the "right" words. Just
knowing someone cares enough to reach out means more than you will
ever know, when someone is willing just to spend time, listen if we
want to talk. More than likely we may not want to talk right away.
That's okay - talk about your life, things you may struggle with (that
will help us feel like you might be human also ).
If
talking freaks you out, we understand that too. There are other
things you can do that don't require conversation: Send a card, make
a meal or snack to send us. Shovel snow, see if there is something
else we need help with. Send or tag us on funny stories, pictures or
videos. Find things we have in common, have a game night, movie
night, mini golf, whatever.
Spending
time helps us feel like maybe we are worth something, maybe someone
won't judge us, maybe someone would actually notice if we weren't
here (Notice, but would that be a relief that you don't need to do
stuff with/for us anymore? Would anyone have taken the time to get to
know us on a deep enough level that someone would actually miss us
for longer than the funeral? . . . These are the things that keep me
up at night.)
There
is so much more churches could do to help walk alongside those who
are struggling. The church as a whole I think does better with
illnesses that have a fairly clear path/time frame. Chronic illness -
mental and physical - the church needs and MUST do better. Those with
chronic illness mental or physical (for me it's both physical &
mental) suffer mainly alone in silence. It's hard for people to
understand something that is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days
a year, with no clear treatment timeline.
If
that overwhelms them how do you think it feels for us?
All
that to say, sometimes I make the choie to put on the "happy
face mask" and then the acting and lies start: "I'm doing
good," "I feel great," etc. It might look like I'm
happy & doing good, but it's not even skin deep.
Living
that life is exhausting, but helps block some of the pain/judgment
from those around us, because that takes a lot out of us. It's
painful to watch others accept who we are pretending to be, instead
of who we really are, so we opt to not attend social events.
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Many of you will probably attend a church tomorrow.
For every 100 people in your church, 20 of them are likely to be currently suffering from some form of anxiety or depression, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.
If there are 20 people in your small group, or in your Sunday School class, it is statistically likely that 4 of them are suffering with sadness and fear beyond their ability to manage.
How do you perceive their suffering?
How do you act in the face of their pain?
How can you help? (How might you harm?)
"When Jesus saw the crowds, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Matthew 9:36
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*Statistics from the ADAA website:
~ Major Depressive Disorder: about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and
older suffer in a given year.
~ Persistent Depressive Disorder: approx. 1.5% of the population suffer
~ Seasonal Affective Disorder: 6.8% of the U.S. population suffer
~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 3.1% of the U.S. population suffer
~ Panic Disorder: 2.7% of the U.S. population suffer
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