harried and helpless

We hear a lot about depression in the media.  If you've never suffered from it (20% do in our country*), you may wonder what the big deal is.  Happiness is a choice, right?  Why not just choose happiness??

I recently asked about depression on facebook, and a courageous friend of mine spoke up about her own experience with depression, with a lack of support from a church family, and with do-able suggestions on how we can be a better support to those whose burdens are too heavy for them to bear. 

Her story touched me.  Whether you have suffered from depression, misunderstood it, or just want to know how to help, I think her words will light the way.  Here is what she says:

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Speaking from personal experience, if you see someone who is battling mental illness & depression and they "seem to be bright/happy", care enough to reach out below the surface.

There are times that I give in to the shame and guilt of not having a "good" outlook to make my journey easier for those around me (the ones praying & believing for healing), that I put on a mask and give an Oscar-winning show, all the while, just barely under the surface, I am crying, my heart is breaking, bleeding and slowly dying.

Again just speaking from my own personal experience, I stopped going to church as I would leave every time so beaten down it took weeks for the resulting spiral to slow down. Each time left me farther from God, frustrated, alone, afraid to talk to anyone or let anyone get near me. The pain was so severe. My relationship with God has been better on my own with him. It grieves my spirit that we the church (myself included) can't get this right and love like Jesus did, accept like Jesus did.

We don't need someone to be judging us - we already judge ourselves far worse than you could judge us. We need to be accepted & loved just the way we are - THAT is something we can't or won't do for ourselves. If you haven't gone through this personally, you don't know the depths of darkness, self hate, insecurity, helplessness, hopelessness, pain, loneliness - we aren't going to reach out for fear of being judged & hurt.

You don't need to worry about having the "right" words. Just knowing someone cares enough to reach out means more than you will ever know, when someone is willing just to spend time, listen if we want to talk. More than likely we may not want to talk right away. That's okay - talk about your life, things you may struggle with (that will help us feel like you might be human also ).

If talking freaks you out, we understand that too. There are other things you can do that don't require conversation:  Send a card, make a meal or snack to send us. Shovel snow, see if there is something else we need help with. Send or tag us on funny stories, pictures or videos. Find things we have in common, have a game night, movie night, mini golf, whatever.

Spending time helps us feel like maybe we are worth something, maybe someone won't judge us, maybe someone would actually notice if we weren't here (Notice, but would that be a relief that you don't need to do stuff with/for us anymore? Would anyone have taken the time to get to know us on a deep enough level that someone would actually miss us for longer than the funeral? . . . These are the things that keep me up at night.)

There is so much more churches could do to help walk alongside those who are struggling. The church as a whole I think does better with illnesses that have a fairly clear path/time frame. Chronic illness - mental and physical - the church needs and MUST do better. Those with chronic illness mental or physical (for me it's both physical & mental) suffer mainly alone in silence. It's hard for people to understand something that is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, with no clear treatment timeline.

If that overwhelms them how do you think it feels for us?

All that to say, sometimes I make the choie to put on the "happy face mask" and then the acting and lies start: "I'm doing good," "I feel great," etc. It might look like I'm happy & doing good, but it's not even skin deep.

Living that life is exhausting, but helps block some of the pain/judgment from those around us, because that takes a lot out of us. It's painful to watch others accept who we are pretending to be, instead of who we really are, so we opt to not attend social events.

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Many of you will probably attend a church tomorrow.

For every 100 people in your church, 20 of them are likely to be currently suffering from some form of anxiety or depression, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

If there are 20 people in your small group, or in your Sunday School class, it is statistically likely that 4 of them are suffering with sadness and fear beyond their ability to manage.

                        How do you perceive their suffering? 

                        How do you act in the face of their pain? 

                        How can you help? (How might you harm?)

"When Jesus saw the crowds, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Matthew 9:36

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*Statistics from the ADAA website:

~ Major Depressive Disorder: about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older suffer in a given year.

~ Persistent Depressive Disorder:  approx. 1.5% of the population suffer

~ Seasonal Affective Disorder: 6.8% of the U.S. population suffer

~ Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 3.1% of the U.S. population suffer

~ Panic Disorder: 2.7% of the U.S. population suffer



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