August 16, 2011

tense

In my Past lives ....

.... I ate simple meals, whatever I was hungry for, at sometimes random hours.  Or elaborate meals, that had no deadline, start or finish.

.... I hopped on my bike on a whim and ride along the ocean road, watching Japanese grandmas collecting seaweed.

.... I cleaned when I noticed dirt - which wasn't often.  Clutter was a single stack of papers on my desk.

.... I sat on the porch, watching the sun set and letting my brain play around with ideas.

.... I ran errands when I needed something, without planning or forethought.

.... I slept in on the weekends.

.... I planned a garden in January, and then in the spring I planted it.  I enjoyed taking care of my garden and took pride in its appearance.

.... I took long walks with my husband on country roads.  We talked about the future and dreamed big dreams.

.... I taught myself to can meat in my spare time.

.... I read for pleasure, not escape.  I stayed up late to finish a good book.

.... I envisioned my future offspring cheerfully following me as I did my work, enriching the experience for us both.

.... I had houseplants, knew their Latin names and their peculiarities of care.

.... I basked in solitude on a regular basis.

I enjoyed my Past, but casually, not cherishing the Present that I had.  People (usually much older than I) tell me that when those days come again in the Future, I won't enjoy them as much as I anticipate doing, the second time around, - instead I'll be missing my children, even their mess and their noise - a different Past.

The Past and the Future beckon with such a deceptive glow.  The Present chafes; I am so unlike the person I had hoped I'd turn out to be.


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